Willow’s Story

My name is Willow and I was born and raised in California. I have moved a few times throughout my life. I’m the oldest girl of four children and was born in 1944. I have two sisters and one brother, who is the youngest. I grew up in Whittier, California, which at the time was a small town in the San Gabriel Valley, east of Los Angeles. At age thirty-one, I moved to Berkeley in the mid-70’s and I lived there until 2005 when I moved to Walnut Creek, which is just over the hill from Berkeley. In 2015, I moved to Salem, Oregon, where I live now.

Family History:

 As a child, I felt I was responsible for bad things. I often felt like I would never be good enough, like nobody wanted me, and nobody loved me.  I began to grow up in fear of someone else’s anger and in fear of being abandoned. Once I left for college, I began to see that there were other ways to view the world and I moved in my own direction, valuing equal rights, peace and freedom, and anti-racism. Something else that was becoming popular at the time was marijuana, or cannabis. Using cannabis for many people became a way to renounce a more established, conformist way of life. It was a way to be rebellious. I was part of this new attitude and I felt an affinity for this new outlook. This is how I first became involved with cannabis, from the standpoint of rebelling against the values of an established society, which I now questioned and disagreed with, in favor of my own newfound, more liberal values. 

My Cannabis Use

Early Stages of My Cannabis Use: 

My earliest use of cannabis began when I was twenty-five years old and had graduated from college in 1968. I began smoking cannabis, or pot, after I started my career in 1969. Almost thirty years later, I eventually found recovery in 1998. 

In 1969, smoking cannabis was a way to protest the older generation, the war, and other social issues. It was a way to unify an entire generation. It was also a way to be accepted, be part of a group, and to be seen as “cool,” or at least that’s what I thought at first. I had always felt like an outsider, perhaps due to my early family upbringing as a child, and this new activity was a way for me to feel more included.

I got married and one evening my husband and I decided to try smoking some pot, after hearing about how wonderful people felt when they got high. We tried it once, and then we tried it several times after that. At first, we got high just on the weekends. Later, it was something we did after work. When we first started, smoking cannabis was just a fun thing to do, a way to be part of the new generation with which I identified. I enjoyed my liberal, progressive outlook on life and social issues and this new activity was part of it.

As time went on, unfortunately my marriage started to crumble. After I had been married for about three months, I began to see a therapist. I was really unhappy with my marriage and my life. At this time, my husband became interested in other women. I did not know how to talk about this in a healthy way. I was afraid to say anything at home. I started smoking pot more to escape these negative feelings about my marriage.

We had been married for about three years when he decided to go back to school and get his master’s degree. After we had been married for four years, I told my husband that I thought we should separate because I was unhappy in the marriage. His response was, “What about my schooling?” I suggested that we give the marriage one more year. This way he could finish school and we could see if we could save our marriage. Unfortunately, this didn’t work. We divorced after five years of marriage and I left southern California and moved to Berkeley.

It was 1975 by the time I moved to Berkeley. At this time, I was very depressed and I just wanted to escape this difficult feeling. I had a good job and I met someone at work who shared my ideas. Also, he was a good connection for my cannabis use. We fell in love and I got pregnant. Soon after, we decided to get married so that the baby would have both a mother and a father present. When I knew that I was pregnant, I stopped smoking cannabis, and also stopped drinking coffee and alcohol. I wanted to give my baby every advantage and not do anything to cause harm.

I did start smoking again later, but I was able to maintain some control over when I would smoke. For example, I never smoked and drove a car because I felt too paranoid. I was sure that I would get busted or maybe cause an accident. I also never smoked before work or during my work day. It was important for me to do my best at work. I also never smoked during my pregnancies or when my children were with me. I felt that I should give them the best opportunities and my best attention. At one point, I started to want to quit smoking cannabis but it was something that I did with my husband and I worried that if I quit, our marriage would fall apart. 

There was a period of time when I did not work but stayed at home doing childcare. One day I received a phone call asking if I would return to laboratory work, an area I had worked in, so when my daughter was two years old, I went back to work. I continued to work for about four more years and then quit when I was pregnant with my second daughter. My son was born two years after my second daughter. I stayed at home with our three children from this time until my son was in kindergarten. Once again, I was offered a job in my field and I could work at 80% time. It was the career that I had dreamed of so I took this position. My husband and I adjusted our schedules so that I could see the children off to school and he would be there when they got home. 

Middle Stages of My Cannabis Use: 

It was 1988, and during this time my husband and I had friends who smoked cannabis and we would get together with them. We had these friends come to our home to visit and once the children were in bed we would all get high. It was a social thing. I remained afraid that if I stopped smoking, my marriage would crumble. It was still important for me to not be under the influence of cannabis when I was at work, or with my children, or when I was driving a car. Those were my bottom lines and I kept them. I didn’t want to be under the influence whenever I had any responsibilities. The control that I tried to maintain over my addiction at this time was that I’d smoke only at night when I didn’t have any further responsibilities. In this way, I felt that I was functional, but I was depressed. I realized that my depression, my lack of self-esteem, and my shyness weren’t so pronounced when I was high. Being high relaxed me and helped me to avoid dealing with these problems. So I continued.

Our marriage started to fall apart. My husband was happy to be a father but he found he really enjoyed doing things with other people rather than with our children and me. I felt like he saw me as the mother of his children but not as his partner. I noticed he would frequently look to others for doing fun activities while I would stay home with our children. I had dreams and ambitions but I felt as though I wasn’t part of my husband’s dreams. That hurt. By this time, I had gotten back into therapy once I started working again. I realized how unhappy I was within my marriage. I had always thought that I had done a good job at being a mom. In high school, my older daughter confronted her dad and me about our addictions. When she did, I felt as though I had failed as a mother. After sixteen years of marriage, my husband and I divorced. My oldest daughter was sixteen then and my son was seven. 

Later Stages of Cannabis My Use:

After my divorce in 1992, I had a very difficult time. This was one of the most difficult periods in my life. There were no child support issues, the children felt rejected by their father, and it seemed as though our lives were coming apart. It was also a struggle just to find my ex husband and try to get any child support. We survived on only my income but it was difficult. Unknown to me, my ex husband left our house in foreclosure. I had three children to raise, a career, a mortgage and other related expenses. My ex husband had left us and moved out of state with his new wife. He wasn’t paying any of the court-ordered child support. He also wouldn’t speak to me and tell me where he was working. When I would try to find out, he would quit his job and move. I had only my own income to rely on.

At one point, I had three teenagers living in our house. I was still smoking so I had that expense also. I felt like a failure. I was trying to raise my children alone and clearly I did not make suitable choices in men. My depression worsened to the point where I felt completely overwhelmed and I could not go on. It was so difficult.

I felt I had failed as a wife, and as a mother, and as a person. I lived in denial for many years regarding my cannabis use and I rationalized my continued chronic cannabis use. I honestly didn’t think that I had a problem with cannabis because I was still able to go to work. I was able to pay our bills. I was raising the children by myself. Yes, I was very depressed but I didn’t associate this with my cannabis use. Depression was a familiar feeling throughout my life. I thought if anything, that cannabis lessened my depression. I didn’t know that cannabis actually intensifies depression. 

The Effects of Cannabis Use on My Life:

I had always made poor choices in men. I was very shy and quiet and didn’t date much until I was in college. I had very low self-esteem and didn’t think that anyone would be interested in me. So I let men choose me, instead of the other way around.

After my divorce from our children’s father, I was sure that no one would ever care for me again. Also, I didn’t want to go through that heartbreak yet again, so I built a wall of isolation around myself. For approximately five years after my divorce, I slid into a deep depression. At this time, my addiction was at its worst. I had boyfriends who I thought were interested in me but they were totally unsuitable for me. The first boyfriend was an alcoholic and the second one was a thief who stole from me. Deep down, I didn’t think that I deserved anyone who was any better than this, and also I felt that no one else would even want me.

Looking back on these memories, it is difficult to realize how far down I had fallen. I was really not the person that I had been brought up to be. I had also grown very paranoid during my cannabis addiction. This feeling increased the more I smoked. For this reason, I would not be in a crowd or drive a car when I was high. I held to those boundaries. I also had anxiety attacks. Some days I could not get out of bed because I was too frightened. 

I was seeing a psychiatrist during this time and we discussed these problems. When I first started seeing him years ago in 1988, he told me that he did not treat patients with substance abuse issues, so I didn’t tell him that I had a problem with cannabis. I was so depressed and I really wanted someone to talk to. My depression worsened during this time. It got to the point where I didn’t feel like living anymore.

Luckily I still had an excellent job. It was my dream job, something that I had hoped I would be doing when I first entered my profession. I never came to work stoned, because my job was too important. I kept my cannabis use completely private. Also, I tended to put my children before my career. I did not pursue my hobbies or outside interests. I used to enjoy needlework and I really enjoyed painting watercolors but I stopped doing both of those activities. Fortunately, in my recovery from cannabis, I have been able to start these hobbies again.

I also didn’t have a spiritual life once I left my childhood home. However, I have always believed in a loving God. When I was depressed, I thought that God had forgotten about me. After my divorce, my oldest daughter got involved in the church and she asked me to come with her. She would sit with her friends and I would sit in the back and I would often just cry and cry. I had a lot of inner conflict about some of the things in the Bible, but my daughter helped me to see things in a different way. Once I got into recovery, I found that I do have a Higher Power who loves me always.

Breaking Free of My Cannabis Addiction: 

After my divorce in 1992 and until 1998, life was a real struggle for me. Trying to raise my three children, pay our bills, and hold a job felt so overwhelming for me. I knew I was sliding deeper into my depression. In 1998, I hit bottom, a period of time where I felt as though I just couldn’t go on anymore. I was so unhappy and I felt so alone. My older daughter went away to college and my son decided that he wanted to live with his dad. I was making very poor choices for boyfriends and I felt as though I was barely treading water. I did not feel worthy of having a good relationship. I had failed in the past at relationships, and I felt like those failures had been my fault because I was just not good enough. I remembered feeling this way as a child and now I was feeling like this as an adult too. This remembrance seemed to reinforce my feeling of inadequacy. After a disastrous Christmas, I got rid of my last boyfriend. I was still working my job and getting high at night. I continued to feel depressed and like I was a failure.

At this time, at the suggestion of a friend at work, I saw a counsellor because I was so unhappy. This was through a counseling program offered at work. The psychologist asked me if I used cannabis or drank. I was afraid to admit anything to him because I was afraid that I would get busted. 

However, I decided that it was best to be honest about it and admitted that I did smoke cannabis and also drank wine. The psychologist told me that depression was a disease that was treatable with medication. I was amazed, because I thought that I would always feel depressed. He said that first I would need to go into detox and then enter an outpatient program. He told me that this was covered by my insurance through my job and so I agreed.

Alta Bates Hospital in Berkeley, California is where I went into detox. I knew that I needed help because I was so depressed. I decided on detoxing in the hospital because it seemed like the first step to treating my depression.

While I was in the hospital detoxing, I was discussing my problems with a nurse. She suggested that I start the outpatient program right after I was discharged from the hospital. I told her that I was too busy to do that because soon it would be my daughter’s birthday, then Christmas, then New Year’s Day. I thought I could start after the first of the year. She patiently listened to me and then she said “What a wonderful gift for your children if you were clean and sober for Christmas.”  When she said that to me, I realized that she was right and I decided that my children were a good reason to try to get clean and sober right now.

I was in the hospital for three days in detox, and then I immediately entered an outpatient program for eight weeks, which I attended for four nights a week. While I was in the hospital, I met the psychiatrist who would treat me for the next sixteen years until I left Berkeley.

My eight week outpatient program was at Alta Bates-Summit Medical Center in Oakland, California. The outpatient program was in the evening so I was able to continue working my job. I was out of the hospital by Sunday and on that Monday evening I attended my first outpatient meeting. At the outpatient recovery program, I started to learn more about my addiction.

I found out about the twelve step program Marijuana Anonymous, or MA, when I was in this outpatient group and I started attending MA meetings right away. I was afraid to go at first because I thought that everyone there would be fully recovered and they would look down on me as a newcomer. Luckily I was mistaken. I was so glad for that! Instead, I felt completely accepted by the members of MA. I found the courage to share my feelings at meetings and this helped me with understanding what it means to be an addict. At first I thought that I would be able to attend meetings, get recovered, and then be able to smoke cannabis again. The people that I met in MA helped me to understand that this was a mistaken belief. I could not ever smoke cannabis again.

In 1998, there was one MA meeting each week in Berkeley and one meeting each week in Oakland. I mostly attended the Berkeley meetings but I also attended the Oakland meetings at times. I found an excellent sponsor and began working the twelve steps with my sponsor within three months of attending the Berkeley meetings. Once I started working the twelve steps, I began to understand honesty, acceptance, and denial. 

One of the program’s expressions that means a lot to me is  “We will love you until you love yourself.” At that time, I definitely did not love myself. Instead, I thought I was a terrible person and a failure, but I found a lot of love and support and acceptance from the other members in MA. Most of the MA meetings that I have attended have been in the San Francisco Bay Area in California. Now that I live in Oregon, I attend the Pacific Northwest MA meetings and continue to benefit from them in my recovery.

My Emotional Sobriety: 

When I first started seeing the psychiatrist in Berkeley who helped me with my recovery and my depression, we tried several different types of antidepressants. After some exploration, I found that what works for me the best is Effexor (Venlafaxine). I take two 150mg capsules each morning. I will probably be taking this medication for the rest of my life. 

The psychiatrist and I also discussed my childhood quite a bit. I hadn’t been able to talk about my experiences before this, especially one incident where the family gardener abused me when I was four years old. I was so ashamed. My therapist was very accepting and gentle with me and helped me to come to terms with that childhood trauma. 
My therapist helped me to understand the childhood issues that had shaped my personality and he helped me to let go of these fears. I noticed during my years of smoking cannabis that my depression, my lack of self-esteem, and my shyness weren’t so pronounced when I was high. I thought that being high helped me to avoid dealing with these problems.

After about six months of being in recovery, I started to feel better. I saw my therapist every week and I went to MA meetings every week, so I was getting a stronger foundation. I now had a deeper understanding of why I was an addict and why I was so depressed. I started to realize that I was a good person. After six months passed, I didn’t feel any urge to use cannabis. Instead, I valued my recovery and I wanted to keep it.  I felt much more grounded by the end of my first year in recovery. By this time I had completed the first two steps and I had gained a better understanding of what I needed to do to stay in recovery.

However, something happened after I had one year in recovery. At one point I became very depressed again. I even told my therapist that I didn’t want to continue living any more. He asked me if I was a danger to myself, specifically if I had a plan to end my life. I told him that I had some pills and I wanted to overdose and end this terrible pain that I still felt.

There is an important piece of information to know about my background. When I was in my twenties, my mother’s sister killed herself. Also, when I was in my forties, my mother died from what the coroner called “an accidental overdose.” These two incidents were so difficult for me and they had a huge impact on me as a younger adult.  

There was a hospital was right across the street from my therapist’s office. After mentioning my depression and my thoughts of suicide, he walked me over there and admitted me. It was a frightening time then. I was crying frequently. I remember that my dad came to visit me and his eyes were red from crying. I felt so bad about that. He asked me why I felt so bad, and I couldn’t explain anything except that I just didn’t want to live anymore. Dad told me to never give up. He tried to give me a sense that he cared. I stayed in the hospital for two weeks and participated in all of the programs available. My therapist came to visit me everyday and that meant a lot to me. The nurses gave me some paints and brushes which I enjoyed using very much.

After I was discharged, I was off work for ten weeks trying to get better. Eventually I returned to work and slowly I transitioned back into my usual routine. What helped me the most during my first two years was seeing my therapist every week, going to MA meetings and sharing, and working the twelve steps. I kept going. I persisted in my recovery. I feel like I developed a good foundation and I have not relapsed since I have been in recovery.

My Transformational Recovery:

Recovery work has helped me to understand the causes of my depression and why I turned to cannabis to escape these ongoing feelings of worthlessness. With therapy and recovery, I have learned that I am acceptable and loved just as I am. I have learned that my Higher Power loves me and that sustains me. While in recovery, the adverse consequences directly related to my cannabis addiction were eliminated in a profound way and replaced by a healthy lifestyle. Everything changed for the positive: my relationships, my parenting, my family life, my social life, and my professional career. I wasn’t able to get into recovery until I was free of the toxic relationships that I had formed when I was getting high. For example, I was afraid that if I stopped smoking while I was still married, my marriage would fall apart. It took me five years after my divorce to find my recovery.

Now my overall life has improved so much. My family life has improved quite a bit, both with my family of origin and with my children. When I went into recovery I asked my children for forgiveness for all the damage that my addiction had caused in our family. They were so grateful I was pursuing my recovery.

My Long-term Recovery: 

My depression has lessened to the point that it is rarely part of my life now. It used to seem so overwhelming. Now, with medication, I know how to deal with it and it doesn’t get so out of control anymore. 

I also feel better about myself. It is amazing to me how happy I am on a daily basis. I never thought I could be so happy. My happiness has completely changed my outlook on life and even the person I am. 

My family and friends notice it too, and I am able to share this with newcomers as part of my recovery when they attend our MA meetings. The emotional and mental changes in my recovery from cannabis addiction have been profound for me. I definitely feel that I am more authentic now. I feel like the person I was starting to become before I discovered cannabis. I feel comfortable with who I am today. I believe that I am a contributing member of society. I am involved in MA and also I volunteer in my community.

Today, I am truly free of the obsession to use cannabis every day. I have no desire to get high again. I am so happy with my life now and I have such a better outlook. I look forward to what each day brings. When I was getting high I tended to ignore the important things in my life. Also, I did not feel good about who I was becoming. 

But now, in recovery, I like the person that I am and I want to continue the life that I have now. I know that I don’t need the crutch of a mood-altering substance. I’m an adult who can meet the challenges in life that I face. I can be a friend, and I can be a mom and grandma who is active in my children’s lives and who is loved and valued by them. I wouldn’t change these feelings for anything.

I am grateful that I have not relapsed. I work a regular recovery program to ensure this. I look back on my life when I was high and escaping my problems and I realize how unhappy I was with myself and my life. I don’t want to return to that way of life. Why would I? My life is so much better now. I really have no reason to get high again. Also, I avoid situations that would lead to a relapse. For example, I don’t go into cannabis dispensaries. I don’t spend time with people who get high. I follow a clean and sober lifestyle. I am grateful everyday for my new life and I maintain it with care. 

I have been clean and sober from alcohol and cannabis for almost twenty-three years, since December 3, 1998. I do not use any non-prescribed mind-altering substances today. I am happy with my life and have no desire to go back to the dark times of using cannabis. I feel better every day in my recovery and I wouldn’t do anything to change it.

© 4/12/2021 Willow’s Story: Freed From Cannabis Addiction: Sisters off the Green